well that when well,,

so bike shop guy came to get the dog today and gahhh he was absoutly stunning swear, like a mix of a biker an sufer kinda dude. i mut admit i think i was drowling when he grabed the dog. however the exagnege didnt go at all the way i planned. i had this like pizza deliveray man senaroe plaing in m head and that was the excat oppestie of what had happened. he kinda graped the dog then just said thanks and akwardly walked away. i was crushed!! he had some girl in the driver seat i mean a guy like him theres no way i was the apple to his eye. lol. i am happy the dog found a happy home, i loved the dog dont get me wrong but i dont have m own plce for an animal just yet so as an animal cop in traing lol i can make that animal go through that..well acatualy i know sammy would take amazing care of him but she is about to have a baby and the puppy was to rough for jaxon`s taste so she didnt have much time to play with him like he needed. today was pretty plain i mean nothing aweully gand happened toda, sammy tod her mom the news about the new baby, kelsey came over, the dog found a home and that pretty much sums the day. however this is going to make me sound like a total girly girl but the highlight of the day was finding this super pink nail polish called tip yur waitress is in the hollween colletion from cvs i seen it and feel in love instanly! addie and i are going to the bke shop tomorrow to add a front break to levis bike. i hope its not akward with the bike shop guy, oh well i love the bike shop though.. its pretty amazing, not going to lie about that. plus m fantise is in there like this rocker fall out boy looking guy and then the goddes work there and i stood in the middle gahhh! yet knowing me and how akward i can be i just rammbled and totally ruined  that. gosh i am so strange i swear. the akwardness level i have is leithal... it is horrid lol
xoxo
princess t

i dont ant this or do i

well she is having a baby! i happy i really am happy for her, however i have the babies room, and thats bothering me. i feel like they have thier fmily so i am bothering them. i need to get a second job and save my ass off so i n get a car and my own place.. i understand sammy is trying to give me mermores and elcome me to her family and thats awseome and i am so greatfull but cant shake the feeling of sadness. i am happy here i really am but this is not me. you cant teach a old dog new trick. family has never been me, like i know how shallow that sounds and i am not going to blame my childhood and my past for the reason i am. blaming my past for my ways are excusses and thats not me..not the real me.. the me that i worked so hard to become. i have refused to sink so that alone shows that i didnt let my past affect me. on to the real reason i am venting via the internet yet again. i feel like being here is putting a damn in to their family, they are adding a new addtion to their family and i have the new baby`s room, i know she has planned everyting, i know she wants the pefect room for her new baby and i am in the room so how can she do that with me here? she now has to rerange her room so she can make room for the baby, i know its a long ways a way but still i am in the way yet again. i feel like i am always in the way.. i am gratefull that they took me in and ae trying to hel me better myself however i have always been the one to better myself i dont want handouts i want to be able to do it on my own. i want to crash and burn get up and know i did it on my own.. yeah the help is wounderful but her heling me is not helping them what so ever..yeah my parents sucked and never showed m how family is supouse to be and most of my family has nothing to do with me becuase of my shtty parents. i am okay with that i am not big on family there just people that we are born in to. why does eberyone make a big deal out of it??i know i am shallow for saying all this but its true. oh well. i keep drifting off on other stupid reasons why i am a insane cry for help. ticking time bomb iff you will. anyways i love sammtha i truly do i am so gratefull..i know i have typed it a billion times already but i do not understand why? why is she trying so hard. i am already done with childhood, why couldnt she let me fall to my face like everyone else has before, why does she care so much.. i do not know ho to react when she does this, this whole caring? i know its not an act or at least i do not think it is. however i am already ggrown, not like in i am to grown for this kinda thing but my child has been over for a while, i am honestly not one to talk about it alot \, its over and i like to leave it at, i understand okay i dont understand what she is doing my nerighbor tried to hel me paint the picture but i am no artist so i didnt get the pictuire clear enough. something about trying to make mermiores for me to have like sitting at the dinner tan\ble and going on family outings., and what not.. yet i am not understanding it.. i dont need for her to stress over making them for me. i have gone this far with out them so she doesnt need to stress over it, she has jaxon and and the bun in the oven to worry about. so why is she trying so hard on me???? and i have been kind confussed but today i was massed confussed. its messing my hea up making me all emotinal and tre\ary eyed and thats not me. i do not let people know i am upset i dont want them to see it..i can not let weekness in and being hurt is something i do not let sh becusse i am use to it. i am indepent and i dont need no one...
xoxo
princess t

i didnt over think

i was right!! he was a no show then lied about getting an email and having to go or do something for english...on a saturday and that he coulndt get out of it and then text me now we are even!!!!!EVEN  FUCK YOU! even i dint do mine on pourpose you preck i am didnt play a head game all damn week and then right till the last second be like sike! i am not mad about being sood up oh no sir dont fattler your self i knew it was coming i just knew it! over thinking my ass i knew it, but houwever to lie about a school project. come on now its fucking saturdy night there is no porfessor emaling his english students about a project or whatever shit thre eithr with their familes or in the middle on an affire so save it/, no text back! strick 1 its all you get! this aint bseball honey. boys are stupid?? maybe theres something wrong with me and not with them, maybe i am the issuse you know? i really just want to ask one them like why, i am not ma or anything i juat want to know why? its stupid i know but theres always a reasson because i know not all guys are the same so there must be me i just dont know what yet. ugh
xoxo
princess t

curently i over thinking

I may over think a lot. However i am usually corccet in my over thinking, such as this weekend i just know that Kiddo is not going to come but maybe i am just over thinking this. i know i over think things such as emotional wise like i over think my emotions and i am pretty sure that has alot to do with my anxiety. which is getting worse and worse by the day but thats something that leads to another  day. Back to the emotional part of over thinking, I over think my emotional. for an example liking someone and then i begin to think what if they don't like me back and i am in the friend zone or rather they are just being nice to be out of pity and i am taking their nice behavior to whole noter level. then i over think it and end up pushing them away and i am a lonely single woman for the st of my life.  so where i am going with this is that this Saturday or today if you will because is damn near 12 and i am not any whrere near ending this. well i am not to sure actually but i am the middle of a deep converstaion with a friend! hold the phone tiffy has made a friend! okay back to the blog. so Kiddo is coming over arond 8ish from victoria and i live in cypress and that like a two hour drive without traffic! so i am not to sure with he is just toying with my emotions because when i went down there to see him i end up playing poker instead and lost track of time and ditched him i felt horrible. so i am pretty sure i am over thinking this but what if he is just saying this so i can be sitting around waiting for him and he can be like oh hhahahahah! eveil man laugh!  so i guess if he is not here by ten i will be blogging about how horrible i am going to fell!  i guess we can only wait and see but its the waiing that makes me have so much to thin which leads to over thinking! i hope i am overthinking this because some male attenion would be lovely. i am deffintly an attenion seeking gal:) 
just to cuddle up would be lovely but i need a makeout seesion, sound sleezy i know but however i want that and if i am not ovethinking and it turns out my trust issuse are real i am going somehow drive to victoria and kick him in the chin!
xoxo
princess t 

People suck!

People suck! The human race is terrible! I hate people! For real I do! I don't understand how they can be so rude to each other! Calling each other sluts and hoes! The rude hateful things being said are just rude! It's horrible and they should be ashamed of themself! Seriously they find the littlest thing to pick and they pick and pick and pick until what? Until someone kills theirselves because of it? This has to stop! Bulling is not funny it's not cool, it's fucking annoying to have to say that we as the human race has become so shallow we pick on others! Wow
Xoxo
Princess t

My brain is just running

My brain is rambling, yet again it seems to do that. I keep thinking how I really don't want any friends, silly I know who doesn't want friends? I feel that if I get attached that I lose focus of what I am wanting in life, I rather just be alone? I have no idea why though. I really don't understand why I am so upset inside! Why is it that I just can't be happy with myself! Like "kiddo" I really don't want him to come visit me, it's not that I have anything to hide I've told him a lot which is rare but I just don't want to get close! I wouldn't say the last person I got close with hurt me in worlds but I am scared that its going to be like that, who knows. Tonight I was invited to go out and "hang" or "chill" If you will, but when I was asked if I would pitch in to buy a dime, that set me back a lot, I mean I have no problem with people who smoke like that's you, go ahead and do whatcha gotta do, but I on the other hand don't want to be apart of that. No not at all. Actually I want nothing to do with it, and drinking I am a heavy drinker I don't know my cut off. I can't just have one and that's the same thug with my farther and I refuse to be my farther! It's not that I hate him or want him to die, okay honestly deep down I hope for it, I hope he feels the pain I feel, how my heart is hollow because of the hate that fills it, actually that's not deep down its shallow I am a shallow person I know this, I know this very well! I don't denie I am shallow. I want to say I love my farther but I can feel that. Everyone says one day I am going to regret not talking to him but honestly I don't think I will, I need to be as far away from him. Okay the way I look at is seeing myself in the future, I know I won't become him, I have plans for myself! Yet I see him in everything I do, everytime I drink a little to much I remember how my dad would get, if I would get lifted I see my dad, so no I don't get "turnt up" because I see my farther some would call that a bad trip but I call it reality the man I hate the most I am becoming him, I am so scared that his demon seed was planted into my mothers pit of hell that I was born out of, am I really a spiting image of them, who knows. I can't deny my parents. I can always break the cycle, yet I make excuses for them. I make excuse for my pain; I know someone has is worse, it teaches me what not to do, or they are jealous of me. However I know none of that is true,   I can make something of myself, I can't always be like this. Life can't be this hard everyday right?? I'll be on top one day, but the journey is long and lonely. That's probably why I don't have many friends, I mean yeah I new here but even in lg and Wiemar I didn't have friends. I was no one to the world, just like I am now. I am nothing.
Tonight this was long sorry, not like anyone was reading it anyways I just had to vent, I don't understand why I am so shallow, I just see the world for what it is, I had to grow up at such a young age, I don't remember so much from my childhood, and everything is me not being a kid, I had to be so grown, babysitting since I was in 3rd grade. My mom and farther thought me how to be a hard worker that much I know, but some things I have learned I wish I didn't. I am not trying to complain to much because my life is awesome right now, but I can't help but think it won't last
Xoxo
Princess t

Party stage,

I guess I am not feeling it anymore, like I feel lie I am to old to go out and party but I am only 17 I should be thrilled to go out and get drunk! That's what kids do right? I guess I had my party stage already I grew up to fast and know that seems like a high school thing to me not a grown up thing, is it sad I rather stay home and snap chat and watch Netflixs then get drunk? Is that normal for a teenager!? I don't know? Like I way to get dressed up and go out but I don't want to look like that, like my dad, he was a heavy drink well actually he is he is a druggie and I am terrified I am going to be just like him. The thought of acting like him scares me! I worked to out to get out of that life to turn around and become that lifestyle, the chain breaks here. So no. I am not going to get turnt up, that's not me! Well not anymore it isn't !
Xoxo
Princess   T

Why?

Usually I never talk about how I feel it my past very much, it's not that I want to forget my past its just I don't want to relive it, I don't want people to feel bad for me, I am me because of it so usually I don't talk about it. However with kiddo I can just talk and talk and talk all about it and he doesn't really ask a lot of questions just agrees with me and he keeps tab like he remembers everything I tell him, he understands me! Gotta keep him around he could be a really good friend....maybe?  I hate talking to boys about how I am hurt and why I am, but last night I poured it all out, why? I don't know why? He didn't reply with oh that terrible or anything he just agreed with me, part of me trust him, yet I don't know him personally but Mhhm we will see how it goes.
Xoxo
Princess t

Pump me or no??

So I always say God forgot to pump me in the boob and butt area, do I am getting my boobs done! This is something I've always wanted because I feel like the reasons guys over look me is because I have no boobs, but I know that's stupid to think that. Like if I guys intense are good then boobs won't matter, and all that bull, but come on know, boys like what they see you don't just fall in love with one look.  He will see me, big boobs!! Wanna talk hang out go on fate, realize I am awesome!! Then fall in love and its a win win kinda deal! Plus I am going to be an animal Investigator and the uniforms look like dikish so I need something feminine, I have always hated my body because of my boobs. I have always looked at Barbie as an ideal body and yet I don't have the amazing flat tummy and perfect perky boobs. I happen to be lacking everything. My goal in life is to be Barbie! So if I gotta get so plastic surgery to reach my goal I am fine with it???????? Meh
Xoxo
Princess t

Meh,

Meh, I am in my feeling tonight, what's new right?? I feel like one of these old drug commercials where the teens are extremely flat abd are sitting in a couch, yup! That's me! I feel like that inside! Today I talked about things I never really talk about any more. Infancy I didn't really ever like to talk about it to be truthfully! So I guess it was easy to talk about some of it, but that was just a scratch on the surface of my eating disorder. I don't think I can ever actually talk about my pass. Sometimes my eating disorder will sneak up on me, and today it has when I talked about it with my neighbor it made me think all day a bout it, like how I am always concerned with my looks, I am not to big on weight as I am in sizes! To me size five is fat but when I see other girls in size five they look beautiful and skinny but I am looking in the mirror and making eye contact with the Good Year blimb! I feel fat! I don't want to make excuses for my Beauvoir but I think it has to do with my mother and how to me food was family and family time was never good in my childhood so I don't eat it and my mother alwaysed told me how fat I was so it all plays a terrible show in a big theater that I happen to be castes for the main role yephie!
Xoxo
Princess t

New phone number pains

Getting a new number isn't a big deal at all, right? Yet why is it bothering me so much? Maybe it's because that number I had for four year, and changing it is like actually letting go of the old me. Strange enough but it is. New number new Beginning and that's a tad bit scary. For real it is, its not about the number being changed its the whole letting go of the last part of the old me. I lost all the old pictures of  me and jimmy well I only had like four from a drunken night but still I can no longer look at them! That awesome this so helping me move on right?? The whole letting go it tariffing though! Life goes on! New number new Beginning
Xoxo
Princess t

Eye opener

I was going to write about the jealousy in my heart and how much it sucks to be so jealous all the time, but today my eyes were opened, boys! Yes! Why is it that I want what I can't have why is it that am crazy for the one who isn't crazy for me, why can't I go for one who is crazy for me? I always what what I can't have! If a boy chases me I am Instantly  turned off i  want nothing but to tease, but as soon as they show no interest in me, I go insane! Like what's wrong with me? Why doesn't he like me, and when that happens depression happens. It's stupid I know but it's me! I can't get over the fact that jimmy doesn't like me the slightest bit, like he doesn't want anything to do with me. If jimmy called me telling me he loved me and want a future, and the moment my life would be complete but give a day and I would be over it. Take Dashawn for instant, I Fantasized over the thought of him, only because he always dissed me, made fun of me since I can remember, so when I finally got him to want me, I was over it! Wanted nothing of him, it's all about what I can't have. I was never given the love and affection a child should Receive, so now I Desire it, It is what Foils my heat of passion, the first sight of lust in their eyes I know am the reason for the lust, the affection I am getting is something they throw at me, but yet as soon as I see it I don't want it. I don't understand? Why can't I be happy with one, why do I want someone who doesn't want me? I think it the challenge.
Xoxo
Princess Tiffany

shallow end of the pool.

sometimes things happen that is out of our control, like a death for instance. Theres morning we an d. o about it, but we always seem to find awayto blame oneself for it, wanting some sort of relieve. blaming ourself doesn't help us at ball but unity does gives us some sort of comfort to know that the quilt never leaves our mind neither does the memiory of the love one, and today i was awaken tho that moment when Jaxon went under the water thank goodness he was pulled up before anything happened, but it set me back. three me off. i guess my mind gas been on Delilah lately that blayne hasn't been there like usually infact he hadn't been there for while. I guess it because i stop blaming myself for his dealt. which might be good but his third year of his dealt was last month and i didn't do anything. why? i should of done something. i nice his sweet little self the way he smiled. here lately i have become to find myself forgetting his face it has become harder to see his face and i feel terrible. i have been think how selffish i am are the depts off my sole really that shallow? take Delilah for one i moved so fast away from her for my own selfish reasoning. for what tho make a better me?  she won't ever understand that. i guess i May be over thinking this but I have no idea this is how i fell. i left my best friend. i let her down. i have to keep in mind that this is ask going to catch you tho move . i am just moving a few steps ahead of the game. i know one day Apollo this would bee what builds be up. but i can't look that far. i can only hear the words in my head how i wont be Annie you make it in life how I am going to let everyone down. someone once told me that you gotta crash before you soar, and when crash you have to get yourself up. yet i keep craching. i guesse it like riding a bike you crash a lot before you can ride with out a helmet. so i gusse lets ride

xoxo
tiffanyNicole

Well I've done it again

So I ran from my problems yet again. It seems like that's all I know how to do is run, I blame my father because that's all he is know for, well besides being a Indian giver, a liar, a woman beater, crazy, mental issues if you know what I mean.... Okay my dad is know for a lot of things! I have learned I picked up a few traits of his! Which is bad so bad! I won't get any where running from my problems! I will miss Delilah's first day of school. That hurts me so badly! I keep telling myself I am going to make something of myself here, but to be honest I am scared that I am only here because I ran. I used to dream about how happy I would be here, yet I can't stop thinking about how I miss it. I am hurting staying there or here, it seems like I never win, I don't want to run my whole life. So I guess my eating habits are back again. I think Sammy can tell because she gets upset when I don't eat but I am to upset to eat so I kinda don't, I don't want to tell her that because I love it here! I like my room and I love having a bed!! I like my job, well I think! And I can make something of myself here! But I miss Delilah so much it's hurting me, I can't stop thinking about jimmy! Why? I have no fucking clue, I mean I know he isn't thinking of me so why do I keep wasting my time on some one who lives so far away, I won't let him know but he is the main reason I moved!! I moved because hearing his name or seeing his house hurt! So I ran from the problem yet again! Way to go
Xoxo
Princess Tiffany

People now a days

Now my mother feels the need to lie to everyone about everything! She was telling everyone I didn't pass my GED! So today I went to blinn and got a copy of my trnascript and BOOM BABBAYYE I passed that! So two thumbs up for this girl! So now I come to a cross path! Collage or contuine on my road of who knows what the next day brings me. If I pick collage what classes, what going to be my major??? Will I like it? 17 in collage! Is that too young? I have no idea! I don't know what my options are. Why life gotta be complicated? I am so hopeless! What do I want to be when I grow up, is being in collage going to set me back on moving to Houston? Am I going to be in dept? Boon job? So hopeless!
Xoxo
  -Princess t

I get so worked up

My mother makes me so angry! I try not to let her stupidity get to me but got damnit! Jail? Really? I am not in any kind of trouble! Why lie about everything! Like she has to sit in her room and think mhhhh what lie should I make today? It's actually sad! I pretty sure she has a sickness! I am almost cretin of this! I can't stand her at all! We can't be in a room together for more then 10 mins with out yelling! And she told people I wanted to move back in with her! Bhahahah fat chance! I would never! And split rent you gots to be kidding me! Ha! I can't stand how she can lie about even the smallest thing! Why? Why do it? Is the truth so hard to speak? Is it that hard to say I am a terrible person I kick my daughter out forces her to have two jobs having to drop out her sophomore year? Not saying I need a pity party or anything my life is absolutely wonderful right at this moment, I lovey job where I am at! I have big plans for my future! But my mother is driving me crazy! She is telling everyone he had to make me get my Ged! No ma'am I had to make you finally go up there and Sign the damn papers because was not legally old enough! That took so much work to get her to do that! She told everyone I blew the test off and didn't take it! WOMAN! I studied my ass off! I sat in a room for four hours take that damn rest for both parts!plus it was extremely hard! I only knew freshman math and ext I was a sophomore for less then a semester! It just makes me so mad! I worked so hard to get where I am and she just lies to everyone to make it look like I am failing! It's like I will never amount to anything in her eyes! I am you daughter you first child and you treat me like shit? Why? I guess I learn one day. 

 Xoxo

   Princess t 

I am wrong

Seriously what was wrong with me?? Because I am totally over him! Like for real! But now I am on bigger venting issues! Such as moving out!? I am thinking I am totally ready but scared I am not? How do you know your ready!? Or is it just you go and hope to god you don't fall on your face? I don't know if I am ready but apart of me is screaming GO FOR IT! Should I listen to myself or listen to everyone who says I am not? So lost!!!
Xoxo
    Princess t

I knew better

Well today is Fourth of July, so happy fourth!! Well to who ever is reading this, most likely no one but any who! All day today I could help but to think of why I can't get over him! Why is it that I care so much? Why is that I fell so hard or the fact that at the drop of a hat I would do anything for him! I know I felt a contention! I know he did to! Why deny? Why can't you just tell me we are meant for it, or I am just stupid! I mean I don't think I "love" you because like I say everyday love is not real!!!!! It's not! I never been hurt by a guy I never fell for some one until you! You make everything so different! This guy I have done anything and everything for!  I mean anything he want i give! I come over and clean his house wash his dogs, I do anything he wants. All he has to do is ask! Am I ugly? What is it? What do I do wrong for you not to want to be with me?? Don't you want me in your arms at night? 'Cause I long to be in yours!! I want to be so close to you, where I skin touchs and I can feel you heart beat match mine, I want you to hold my hand again? Why can't I move on like the rest? Why can't I play you like the others!? Why can't I just shake it off like the other guys, I NEVER have feelings! I can't blame you I blame myself I knew better to play with emotions! I knew better
Xoxo
    Princess t

I mean why not?

So I am thinking to myself, Why not? I mean I have no actual friends that I can count on? Plus I need a way to vent, so here goes nothing! I have really have nothing to lose because truthfully my life is not fun or any sort of worth reading to I might as well start a blog! I N E E D some sort of way to vent about, my job, family and boys!!! Mostly boys! I have lots of boy troubles!!! Like right now! Jimmy is really hurting my feelings! I seriously thought I liked him! Then when shit went south....that stories is for later no need to vent to much a bout that. Any who shit went south and like the other boys I moved on FAST! Then chino came along and made me forget all about jimmy!!! Then I found out chino has a LIVE IN GIRLFRIEND!!! 'Da fuck! No boo white girl said nope and then now here I am, all said and confused! Feeling used yet again. Then all the boys call me a whore when I use them for a one night of good naughty fun! In my defense I only know how use because that's all I ever felt, I mean the song "Bad" is my life story 'cause I never made love  but damn can I fuck! I never been a relationship to save my life! No guy has gone out of his way to make be feel like a princess, but I do love the attention I am given by guys, the look of lust to me is better then the look of, oh well! Life of a whore! I try to find something to blame! Like daddy issues but truth is I just prefer lust of love.
           XOXO,
            Princess T.