My brain is just running

My brain is rambling, yet again it seems to do that. I keep thinking how I really don't want any friends, silly I know who doesn't want friends? I feel that if I get attached that I lose focus of what I am wanting in life, I rather just be alone? I have no idea why though. I really don't understand why I am so upset inside! Why is it that I just can't be happy with myself! Like "kiddo" I really don't want him to come visit me, it's not that I have anything to hide I've told him a lot which is rare but I just don't want to get close! I wouldn't say the last person I got close with hurt me in worlds but I am scared that its going to be like that, who knows. Tonight I was invited to go out and "hang" or "chill" If you will, but when I was asked if I would pitch in to buy a dime, that set me back a lot, I mean I have no problem with people who smoke like that's you, go ahead and do whatcha gotta do, but I on the other hand don't want to be apart of that. No not at all. Actually I want nothing to do with it, and drinking I am a heavy drinker I don't know my cut off. I can't just have one and that's the same thug with my farther and I refuse to be my farther! It's not that I hate him or want him to die, okay honestly deep down I hope for it, I hope he feels the pain I feel, how my heart is hollow because of the hate that fills it, actually that's not deep down its shallow I am a shallow person I know this, I know this very well! I don't denie I am shallow. I want to say I love my farther but I can feel that. Everyone says one day I am going to regret not talking to him but honestly I don't think I will, I need to be as far away from him. Okay the way I look at is seeing myself in the future, I know I won't become him, I have plans for myself! Yet I see him in everything I do, everytime I drink a little to much I remember how my dad would get, if I would get lifted I see my dad, so no I don't get "turnt up" because I see my farther some would call that a bad trip but I call it reality the man I hate the most I am becoming him, I am so scared that his demon seed was planted into my mothers pit of hell that I was born out of, am I really a spiting image of them, who knows. I can't deny my parents. I can always break the cycle, yet I make excuses for them. I make excuse for my pain; I know someone has is worse, it teaches me what not to do, or they are jealous of me. However I know none of that is true,   I can make something of myself, I can't always be like this. Life can't be this hard everyday right?? I'll be on top one day, but the journey is long and lonely. That's probably why I don't have many friends, I mean yeah I new here but even in lg and Wiemar I didn't have friends. I was no one to the world, just like I am now. I am nothing.
Tonight this was long sorry, not like anyone was reading it anyways I just had to vent, I don't understand why I am so shallow, I just see the world for what it is, I had to grow up at such a young age, I don't remember so much from my childhood, and everything is me not being a kid, I had to be so grown, babysitting since I was in 3rd grade. My mom and farther thought me how to be a hard worker that much I know, but some things I have learned I wish I didn't. I am not trying to complain to much because my life is awesome right now, but I can't help but think it won't last
Xoxo
Princess t