My brain is just running

My brain is rambling, yet again it seems to do that. I keep thinking how I really don't want any friends, silly I know who doesn't want friends? I feel that if I get attached that I lose focus of what I am wanting in life, I rather just be alone? I have no idea why though. I really don't understand why I am so upset inside! Why is it that I just can't be happy with myself! Like "kiddo" I really don't want him to come visit me, it's not that I have anything to hide I've told him a lot which is rare but I just don't want to get close! I wouldn't say the last person I got close with hurt me in worlds but I am scared that its going to be like that, who knows. Tonight I was invited to go out and "hang" or "chill" If you will, but when I was asked if I would pitch in to buy a dime, that set me back a lot, I mean I have no problem with people who smoke like that's you, go ahead and do whatcha gotta do, but I on the other hand don't want to be apart of that. No not at all. Actually I want nothing to do with it, and drinking I am a heavy drinker I don't know my cut off. I can't just have one and that's the same thug with my farther and I refuse to be my farther! It's not that I hate him or want him to die, okay honestly deep down I hope for it, I hope he feels the pain I feel, how my heart is hollow because of the hate that fills it, actually that's not deep down its shallow I am a shallow person I know this, I know this very well! I don't denie I am shallow. I want to say I love my farther but I can feel that. Everyone says one day I am going to regret not talking to him but honestly I don't think I will, I need to be as far away from him. Okay the way I look at is seeing myself in the future, I know I won't become him, I have plans for myself! Yet I see him in everything I do, everytime I drink a little to much I remember how my dad would get, if I would get lifted I see my dad, so no I don't get "turnt up" because I see my farther some would call that a bad trip but I call it reality the man I hate the most I am becoming him, I am so scared that his demon seed was planted into my mothers pit of hell that I was born out of, am I really a spiting image of them, who knows. I can't deny my parents. I can always break the cycle, yet I make excuses for them. I make excuse for my pain; I know someone has is worse, it teaches me what not to do, or they are jealous of me. However I know none of that is true,   I can make something of myself, I can't always be like this. Life can't be this hard everyday right?? I'll be on top one day, but the journey is long and lonely. That's probably why I don't have many friends, I mean yeah I new here but even in lg and Wiemar I didn't have friends. I was no one to the world, just like I am now. I am nothing.
Tonight this was long sorry, not like anyone was reading it anyways I just had to vent, I don't understand why I am so shallow, I just see the world for what it is, I had to grow up at such a young age, I don't remember so much from my childhood, and everything is me not being a kid, I had to be so grown, babysitting since I was in 3rd grade. My mom and farther thought me how to be a hard worker that much I know, but some things I have learned I wish I didn't. I am not trying to complain to much because my life is awesome right now, but I can't help but think it won't last
Xoxo
Princess t

Party stage,

I guess I am not feeling it anymore, like I feel lie I am to old to go out and party but I am only 17 I should be thrilled to go out and get drunk! That's what kids do right? I guess I had my party stage already I grew up to fast and know that seems like a high school thing to me not a grown up thing, is it sad I rather stay home and snap chat and watch Netflixs then get drunk? Is that normal for a teenager!? I don't know? Like I way to get dressed up and go out but I don't want to look like that, like my dad, he was a heavy drink well actually he is he is a druggie and I am terrified I am going to be just like him. The thought of acting like him scares me! I worked to out to get out of that life to turn around and become that lifestyle, the chain breaks here. So no. I am not going to get turnt up, that's not me! Well not anymore it isn't !
Xoxo
Princess   T

Why?

Usually I never talk about how I feel it my past very much, it's not that I want to forget my past its just I don't want to relive it, I don't want people to feel bad for me, I am me because of it so usually I don't talk about it. However with kiddo I can just talk and talk and talk all about it and he doesn't really ask a lot of questions just agrees with me and he keeps tab like he remembers everything I tell him, he understands me! Gotta keep him around he could be a really good friend....maybe?  I hate talking to boys about how I am hurt and why I am, but last night I poured it all out, why? I don't know why? He didn't reply with oh that terrible or anything he just agreed with me, part of me trust him, yet I don't know him personally but Mhhm we will see how it goes.
Xoxo
Princess t

Pump me or no??

So I always say God forgot to pump me in the boob and butt area, do I am getting my boobs done! This is something I've always wanted because I feel like the reasons guys over look me is because I have no boobs, but I know that's stupid to think that. Like if I guys intense are good then boobs won't matter, and all that bull, but come on know, boys like what they see you don't just fall in love with one look.  He will see me, big boobs!! Wanna talk hang out go on fate, realize I am awesome!! Then fall in love and its a win win kinda deal! Plus I am going to be an animal Investigator and the uniforms look like dikish so I need something feminine, I have always hated my body because of my boobs. I have always looked at Barbie as an ideal body and yet I don't have the amazing flat tummy and perfect perky boobs. I happen to be lacking everything. My goal in life is to be Barbie! So if I gotta get so plastic surgery to reach my goal I am fine with it???????? Meh
Xoxo
Princess t

Meh,

Meh, I am in my feeling tonight, what's new right?? I feel like one of these old drug commercials where the teens are extremely flat abd are sitting in a couch, yup! That's me! I feel like that inside! Today I talked about things I never really talk about any more. Infancy I didn't really ever like to talk about it to be truthfully! So I guess it was easy to talk about some of it, but that was just a scratch on the surface of my eating disorder. I don't think I can ever actually talk about my pass. Sometimes my eating disorder will sneak up on me, and today it has when I talked about it with my neighbor it made me think all day a bout it, like how I am always concerned with my looks, I am not to big on weight as I am in sizes! To me size five is fat but when I see other girls in size five they look beautiful and skinny but I am looking in the mirror and making eye contact with the Good Year blimb! I feel fat! I don't want to make excuses for my Beauvoir but I think it has to do with my mother and how to me food was family and family time was never good in my childhood so I don't eat it and my mother alwaysed told me how fat I was so it all plays a terrible show in a big theater that I happen to be castes for the main role yephie!
Xoxo
Princess t

New phone number pains

Getting a new number isn't a big deal at all, right? Yet why is it bothering me so much? Maybe it's because that number I had for four year, and changing it is like actually letting go of the old me. Strange enough but it is. New number new Beginning and that's a tad bit scary. For real it is, its not about the number being changed its the whole letting go of the last part of the old me. I lost all the old pictures of  me and jimmy well I only had like four from a drunken night but still I can no longer look at them! That awesome this so helping me move on right?? The whole letting go it tariffing though! Life goes on! New number new Beginning
Xoxo
Princess t

Eye opener

I was going to write about the jealousy in my heart and how much it sucks to be so jealous all the time, but today my eyes were opened, boys! Yes! Why is it that I want what I can't have why is it that am crazy for the one who isn't crazy for me, why can't I go for one who is crazy for me? I always what what I can't have! If a boy chases me I am Instantly  turned off i  want nothing but to tease, but as soon as they show no interest in me, I go insane! Like what's wrong with me? Why doesn't he like me, and when that happens depression happens. It's stupid I know but it's me! I can't get over the fact that jimmy doesn't like me the slightest bit, like he doesn't want anything to do with me. If jimmy called me telling me he loved me and want a future, and the moment my life would be complete but give a day and I would be over it. Take Dashawn for instant, I Fantasized over the thought of him, only because he always dissed me, made fun of me since I can remember, so when I finally got him to want me, I was over it! Wanted nothing of him, it's all about what I can't have. I was never given the love and affection a child should Receive, so now I Desire it, It is what Foils my heat of passion, the first sight of lust in their eyes I know am the reason for the lust, the affection I am getting is something they throw at me, but yet as soon as I see it I don't want it. I don't understand? Why can't I be happy with one, why do I want someone who doesn't want me? I think it the challenge.
Xoxo
Princess Tiffany

shallow end of the pool.

sometimes things happen that is out of our control, like a death for instance. Theres morning we an d. o about it, but we always seem to find awayto blame oneself for it, wanting some sort of relieve. blaming ourself doesn't help us at ball but unity does gives us some sort of comfort to know that the quilt never leaves our mind neither does the memiory of the love one, and today i was awaken tho that moment when Jaxon went under the water thank goodness he was pulled up before anything happened, but it set me back. three me off. i guess my mind gas been on Delilah lately that blayne hasn't been there like usually infact he hadn't been there for while. I guess it because i stop blaming myself for his dealt. which might be good but his third year of his dealt was last month and i didn't do anything. why? i should of done something. i nice his sweet little self the way he smiled. here lately i have become to find myself forgetting his face it has become harder to see his face and i feel terrible. i have been think how selffish i am are the depts off my sole really that shallow? take Delilah for one i moved so fast away from her for my own selfish reasoning. for what tho make a better me?  she won't ever understand that. i guess i May be over thinking this but I have no idea this is how i fell. i left my best friend. i let her down. i have to keep in mind that this is ask going to catch you tho move . i am just moving a few steps ahead of the game. i know one day Apollo this would bee what builds be up. but i can't look that far. i can only hear the words in my head how i wont be Annie you make it in life how I am going to let everyone down. someone once told me that you gotta crash before you soar, and when crash you have to get yourself up. yet i keep craching. i guesse it like riding a bike you crash a lot before you can ride with out a helmet. so i gusse lets ride

xoxo
tiffanyNicole

Well I've done it again

So I ran from my problems yet again. It seems like that's all I know how to do is run, I blame my father because that's all he is know for, well besides being a Indian giver, a liar, a woman beater, crazy, mental issues if you know what I mean.... Okay my dad is know for a lot of things! I have learned I picked up a few traits of his! Which is bad so bad! I won't get any where running from my problems! I will miss Delilah's first day of school. That hurts me so badly! I keep telling myself I am going to make something of myself here, but to be honest I am scared that I am only here because I ran. I used to dream about how happy I would be here, yet I can't stop thinking about how I miss it. I am hurting staying there or here, it seems like I never win, I don't want to run my whole life. So I guess my eating habits are back again. I think Sammy can tell because she gets upset when I don't eat but I am to upset to eat so I kinda don't, I don't want to tell her that because I love it here! I like my room and I love having a bed!! I like my job, well I think! And I can make something of myself here! But I miss Delilah so much it's hurting me, I can't stop thinking about jimmy! Why? I have no fucking clue, I mean I know he isn't thinking of me so why do I keep wasting my time on some one who lives so far away, I won't let him know but he is the main reason I moved!! I moved because hearing his name or seeing his house hurt! So I ran from the problem yet again! Way to go
Xoxo
Princess Tiffany