well she is having a baby! i happy i really am happy for her, however i have the babies room, and thats bothering me. i feel like they have thier fmily so i am bothering them. i need to get a second job and save my ass off so i n get a car and my own place.. i understand sammy is trying to give me mermores and elcome me to her family and thats awseome and i am so greatfull but cant shake the feeling of sadness. i am happy here i really am but this is not me. you cant teach a old dog new trick. family has never been me, like i know how shallow that sounds and i am not going to blame my childhood and my past for the reason i am. blaming my past for my ways are excusses and thats not me..not the real me.. the me that i worked so hard to become. i have refused to sink so that alone shows that i didnt let my past affect me. on to the real reason i am venting via the internet yet again. i feel like being here is putting a damn in to their family, they are adding a new addtion to their family and i have the new baby`s room, i know she has planned everyting, i know she wants the pefect room for her new baby and i am in the room so how can she do that with me here? she now has to rerange her room so she can make room for the baby, i know its a long ways a way but still i am in the way yet again. i feel like i am always in the way.. i am gratefull that they took me in and ae trying to hel me better myself however i have always been the one to better myself i dont want handouts i want to be able to do it on my own. i want to crash and burn get up and know i did it on my own.. yeah the help is wounderful but her heling me is not helping them what so ever..yeah my parents sucked and never showed m how family is supouse to be and most of my family has nothing to do with me becuase of my shtty parents. i am okay with that i am not big on family there just people that we are born in to. why does eberyone make a big deal out of it??i know i am shallow for saying all this but its true. oh well. i keep drifting off on other stupid reasons why i am a insane cry for help. ticking time bomb iff you will. anyways i love sammtha i truly do i am so gratefull..i know i have typed it a billion times already but i do not understand why? why is she trying so hard. i am already done with childhood, why couldnt she let me fall to my face like everyone else has before, why does she care so much.. i do not know ho to react when she does this, this whole caring? i know its not an act or at least i do not think it is. however i am already ggrown, not like in i am to grown for this kinda thing but my child has been over for a while, i am honestly not one to talk about it alot \, its over and i like to leave it at, i understand okay i dont understand what she is doing my nerighbor tried to hel me paint the picture but i am no artist so i didnt get the pictuire clear enough. something about trying to make mermiores for me to have like sitting at the dinner tan\ble and going on family outings., and what not.. yet i am not understanding it.. i dont need for her to stress over making them for me. i have gone this far with out them so she doesnt need to stress over it, she has jaxon and and the bun in the oven to worry about. so why is she trying so hard on me???? and i have been kind confussed but today i was massed confussed. its messing my hea up making me all emotinal and tre\ary eyed and thats not me. i do not let people know i am upset i dont want them to see it..i can not let weekness in and being hurt is something i do not let sh becusse i am use to it. i am indepent and i dont need no one...
xoxo
princess t
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